


The Fic Where Valjean is Santa Claus

by Secretmellowblog



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe- Valjean is Santa Claus, Based on a Tumblr Post, Christmas, Fantine Lives, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Javert Quits His Job, WACKY HEISTS WITH JEAN VALJEAN, crack fick, who is Santa Claus now!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:48:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28298502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Secretmellowblog/pseuds/Secretmellowblog
Summary: In the Brick Valjean is compared to Santa Claus-- he comes to pick up Cosette on Christmas and gives her gifts. Valjean also canonically breaks into people's houses to leave them gifts because he thinks that's easier than talking to them, apparently.This fic is about Valjean being literally Santa Claus. Valjean flies through the sky on his magic sleigh, and breaks into the houses of various Les Mis characters to secretly give them presents.But will Santa Valjean ever realize that sometimes, you can just talk to people? That you don't have to scuttle down their chimney at 3am to leave them a secret present, you can just..........talk to them?
Relationships: Cosette Fauchelevent & Jean Valjean, Fantine & Cosette Fauchelevent, Fantine & Jean Valjean, Javert & Jean Valjean, Père Fauchelevent & Jean Valjean
Comments: 14
Kudos: 24





	The Fic Where Valjean is Santa Claus

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based on this tumblr post about how Valjean is compared to Santa in the brick, aND how Valjean canonically breaks into people's houses to leave them presents because that's easier than Socially Interacting with them: https://secretmellowblog.tumblr.com/post/637974711381442560/ok-but-i-will-never-get-over-the-way-valjean
> 
> It is a crack fic I threw together in a couple days and might be totally incoherent! It is extremely unpolished! :D
> 
> It's also the second fic I've written about Valjean pulling wacky heists. I think I just like writing about wacky heists. Heist stories are the best stories.

Jean Valjean, who was also Santa Claus, was in his sleigh on Christmas Eve. He was dressed in his red coat and flying through the sky with his reindeer like he did every year, on his way to break into people’s houses to secretly leave them gifts. 

Santa Valjean was “talking” to his reindeer in the way that Kristoff “talks” to Sven in Frozen. 

“Hey,” one of Santa Valjean’s reindeer said. “I’m wondering why we do all this sneaking around.”

“What?” Valjean asked. 

“Why do we do the whole ‘secretly climbing down peoples chimneys in the dead of night and pretending we don’t exist’ thing? we could just give people the presents.”

“Are you suggesting I should TALK to people? Speak to them? Have….CONVERSATIONS with them?” Santa Valjean shuddered.

“I guess.”

“Absolutely not. That’s terrifying.”

“Well then, who’s next on our list?”

Valjean pulled out his Nice List and his Naughty List. He gave presents to everyone regardless of which list they were on, but he still liked to make the two separate lists. 

“Our next target is Pere Fauchelevent,” Santa Valjean said gently. “The nice man whose life we saved last year.”

"We'll sneak in, hit him with a few gifts, and then sneak out."

"Yes, it'll be an easy heist," Valjean said calmly. "He won't know what hit him."

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

The reindeer descended and landed on the rooftop of a small cottage. Valjean deftly lept out of the sleigh and scrabbled down the chimney. 

He entered a small quaint living room, and left a couple gifts under the tree. Then he was startled by a voice.

“Hello?” Fauchelevent said.

Valjean hid behind the curtains.

“I just wanted to say thank you for these wonderful gifts and for saving my life,” Fauchelevent said sincerely. “Please come out so I can thank you.”

That sounded horrifying. Valjean definitely did not want to have that conversation. He remained hidden. 

“You’re so good and kind but youre not letting me say thank you. I want to tell you how grateful I am.”

The moment Fauchelevent’s back was turned Santa Valjean nosedived into the chimney and clambered out of the house.

He hurriedly leapt into his sleigh and whistled for his reindeer to take off. They flew away into the night.

“Maybe you should’ve let Fauchelevent thank you,” his reindeer said when they were flying among the stars. 

“It’s Better that he never knows it was me……” Santa Valjean said dramatically.

“I think he already knows. Not many people do this ‘climbing down peoples chimneys at 3am to leave them money’ stuff.”

“Still…..it’s just Better…” Valjean sighed. “There’s no need to have embarrassing conversations like that.” 

******************************************************************************************************************************************

The next few houses were very uneventful. They were easy heists. Santa Valjean delivered gifts while masterfully dodging conversations. 

Then Valjean climbed down the chimney of a strange lonely house.

As he walked out of the fireplace into the dingy shadowy living room, he got a feeling of unease. The house looked abandoned, as if the inhabitant had moved out very suddenly and been replaced by someone else. Valjean felt as if he was walking into a trap when—

“AHA!” A voice snarled. 

A tall horrifying figure emerged from the shadows.

At first Santa Valjean thought it was a man in a very scary wolf fursuit. 

But actually it was Javert, and he just kinda looks Like That.

“They said you weren’t real. That your parents leave the presents under the tree,” Javert growled. “but I knew that was just the LIE Santa created to escape punishment for his CRIMES!”

“Crimes.” Santa Valjean said gently. This was why he didn’t like conversations. They were so awkward.

“Trespassing!” Javert barked. “breaking and entering! Endless counts of it!!!”

“I do it to help the children of the world,” Santa Valjean said mildly.

“You do it because you’re a CRIME MAN!”

“You don’t have the Christmas spirit,” Valjean sighed. 

“HUMBUG!”

Endlessly patient Santa Valjean decided to try to help him. Normally he appealed to people through nostalgia. So he reached into his magical sack of toys, and pulled out a beautiful stuffed wolf.

“When you were a very small child, this was the toy you wanted more than anything in the world. You used to dream about it every night. But every time I tried to give it to you, you insisted that I was ‘legally not allowed to enter the prison’ and you were ‘legally not allowed to accept it.’ That was when you were three,” Santa Valjean sighed. “But now that you’re an adult, and no longer live in prison...there’s nothing stopping you.”

Javert grabbed the stuffed wolf and violently threw it out the window. 

“Hmm,” Santa Valjean said, rubbing his bearded chin. “You’re still Like That. You were always an odd one. No wonder you’re on the Naughty List.” 

“You’re on the naughty list of the LAW!”

“Ah.”

“YOU'RE COMING WITH ME!”

“No, I don’t think I will,” Santa Valjean said calmly. In an instant he jumped out the window, landed on the stones outside, picked up the fallen wolf toy, whistled for his sleigh, and flew away into the night.

“Did you just run from the police?” Said the reindeer, after they reached a high altitude and were flying among the stars.

“I don't like police,” Santa Valjean said mildly. “There’s only one thing more awkward than having conversations, and it’s having conversations with a police officer.”

“Hm.”

“My job as Santa is to help people no matter how hard the police try to stop me,” Santa Valjean said serenely. “And they do try very hard.”

“They do.”

“Yes. The moral of this Christmas story is that Christmas isn’t about capitalism,” Valjean said calmly, turning to the camera. “It’s about giving to charity, helping the people society tells you are least deserving of your help, and lying to cops.”

“ACAB.”

****************************

Later Santa Valjean landed at the house of the Thenardiers.

He filled the stockings of Eponine and Azelma, and then filled the stocking of the poor girl Cosette. He gave Cosette new clothes and the magnificent doll she’d been dreaming of for weeks, and then prepared to go.

And found the path to the chimney blocked by a little girl.

It was Cosette. She was small, gaunt, exhausted and dressed in dirty Ill-fitting clothes. She stared at him with eyes that were unafraid.

“I knew you were real,” Cosette whispered quietly.

Valjean kneeled down to be on her level. “You were right. You’re very clever,” he said. 

Cosette smiled.

Santa Valjean clumsily reassured Cosette that she was a kind nice girl who deserved to be loved, and gave her a few more toys from his pack. He was not good at conversations. 

Then he climbed up the chimney and walked out onto the roof. He got back in his sleigh.

“Why aren’t we flying away?” His reindeer asked.

“I feel like I’m forgetting something,” Santa Valjean said. “Something important. And it has to do with the poor little girl who lives here, Cosette.”

“Are you forgetting to help her?”

“No, I’m planning to come back later and help her—find better caretakers for her,” Valjean said. “Secretly, of course.”

“Then what are you forgetting?”

“I’m not sure,” he said. 

“Are you going to go back for her?”

“I don’t know.”

Valjean was just making up his mind to go back for Cosette when he heard coughing in the sleigh.

He looked behind him to see that Cosette was already there.

“Hello,” Valjean said.

Cosette stared at him. “I accidentally fell into your sleigh,” she said.

Valjean recognized it was a lie.The child was lying in order to escape the horrible environment she lived in.

“You climbed up the chimney after me?” He asked mildly.

“I did,” Cosette admitted. “I want to leave this house and live somewhere else.”

There was a long silence. 

Cosette also didn’t seem to like conversations. They sat together in silence for a long time.

“Do you have parents?” Valjean said calmly.

“Other children have parents. But I don’t think I have them. I don’t think I ever had them.”

That couldn’t be right. Valjean racked his mind (which contained the name and history of everyone in the world) and tried to remember. He pulled out his naughty and nice lists. Her father was Félix Tholomyes, who was definitively on the Naughty List— he certainly could not bring Cosette to him. And Cosette’s mother was—

Fantine.

That was what he had been forgetting! He had forgotten Fantine. 

Valjean scanned his naughty and nice lists, trying to find Fantine’s name. She wasn’t on either of them.

Had Santa Valjean forgotten to put Fantine on his lists? 

Had he skipped her house? Had he been skipping her house for years? For how many years had he forgotten her? He was horrified.

“I know where to take you,” Valjean said finally. “There’s someone who misses you very much.”

******************************************************************************************

Valjean walked out of the chimney and into the living room of a sparse, bare house.

“You finally decided to come,” a woman said bitterly. “After all these years.”

Standing in the corner of the room was Fantine. She looked exhausted, as if she’d been working all day. There were bags under her eyes, and her blonde hair was cropped short. She was staring at him with a look of righteous anger.

“I’m very sorry,” Santa Valjean began, but Fantine cut him off. 

“I don’t believe in you— in Santa,” Fantine spat. “I used to believe in Santa. But then Santa skipped me every year. And I realized that Santa was FAKE. Santa is a FRAUD. Your parents leave you toys under the tree in your house. And I never had any parents, or a tree, or a house! If Santa was real, he wouldn’t have let all this happen. “

She spat in Santa Valjean’s face.

“You’re right,” Valjean apologized sincerely. “I’ve been a horrible Santa. For years I somehow missed your name, even though you’re definitely one of the nicest people on the Nice List. But I didn’t even have your name on my lists.”

“Probably because it isn’t an official legal name,” Fantine muttered. “It was given to me by a passerby.”

“Ah— those names are often hard for me to find. I must be overlooking other people like you too, ” Valjean said sadly. “I’m starting to realize that the way I avoid conversations all the time might actually be hurting people. Keeping all this distance between myself and the people I help leads to me not realizing when I’m failing them. It leads to me missing people like you. I’m sorry.”

Fantine looked at him warily.

“But I promise I’m going to fix that now. Your suffering is my fault and I’m sorry. I promise I’m going to make things better.”

“How?”

Suddenly Cosette leapt out of the fireplace.

“I’ve brought you your child,” Santa Valjean said. “And also infinite money and magical powers so that you can live happily ever after forever. Those are my Christmas gifts for you this year.”

Fantine gasped.

Then Cosette and Fantine had an indescribable happy reunion, a happiness beyond words—Fantine took Cosette in her arms and hugged her. Cosette Realized she was loved and always had been, Fantine realized that she was going to finally attain her dream of a happy life and future with Cosette, and everything was wonderful and magical.

“It’s a Christmas miracle!!!!” Said Fantine. “I forgive you, Santa Valjean! I believe in Santa again!”

And then Fantine and Cosette rode with Santa in his sleigh for the rest of the night. They soared through the stars, and the sleigh appeared silhouetted against the moon. The people of Paris looked up to see Santa's sleigh high in the sky.

Fauchelevent saw their sleigh pass overhead and cheered.

Éponine and Azelma saw the sleigh pass overhead and gasped in wonder.

Javert saw the sleigh pass overheard and shook his fist at the sky and swore that he’d arrest Santa if it was the last thing he did!!!!

And everything was very wonderful and magical.

The end. 

——————————

EPILOGUE: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Fauchelevent is still just living his life. He’s incredibly valid. 

Javert is——it’s a long story. Basically Javert was eventually visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future, and together they taught him that the TRUE meaning of Christmas is that all cops are bastards. He quit his job and is a better person now. His heart grew three sizes, he doesn’t murder people anymore, etc. it was very emotional. He’s Working on Himself. Maybe one day he will make...a friend!!!! I believe in him. I believe in him even though I probably shouldn’t. Ain’t that just the way. 

Fantine and Cosette live happily ever after together in a beautiful magical mansion. They also have a stable and horses, and they go on magical mother-daughter horse-riding adventures together. They often write letters to the North Pole to talk to Santa Valjean.

Santa Valjean has actual conversations with other human beings now. He often visits Fantine and Cosette in their magical mansion, and writes letters to many of the people he helps. He’s become far more careful about not overlooking anyone. He’s also adopted two dogs and a cat. And everything is wonderful and beautiful and full of holiday magic. 

And everyone realized that the holiday of Christmas shouldn’t be about "Christianity” but about pulling wacky heists with your crime family. 

The end (x2)

**Author's Note:**

> Yay second fic! Thank you for reading! :D


End file.
